Bad bad bad. I know, I have been MIA since, like, forever. Mea cupla. In my humble defense, I have been using every iota of willpower not to go crazy and have a what-the-hella worthy meltdown of my own. Because, you know, I do have a day job too.
But enough about that. What have I missed? Sarah Palin! Stock market crashes! A war between Russia & Georgia that the Western media covered in the most laughable fashion ever! Oh right, we don't come here to read about important things! We want our daily dose of stupidity!
No, no, I said this was not a political blog, so scratch that last....
How about this story, courtesy of no less an august body than the National Terror Alert Response Center?!? I know firsthand how scary buses can be (let's put it delicately....as a 14-year-old I took a cross-country trip on one to visit a boyfriend, a trip not exactly vetted by the parental units....) but this takes things to new extremes. I would like to know what these two men were arguing about that caused the situation to spiral down into....decapitation. I would also like to know whether malt liquor was involved.
Apparently not, according to reports of the incident:
"One moment, the quiet man near the back of the bus was minding his own business. The man hadn’t talked to anyone around him, and seemed to pay no attention to the younger fellow sitting next to him, who was listening to music on headphones The next moment, witnesses said, the older man stood up, still quiet, and repeatedly stabbed, then beheaded his younger victim."
Ooooo-kay. I too get pissed when talking to someone who refuses to tune out their I-Pod for a second, but...? The story gets even more absurd, culminating in the severed head being presented calmly by the "robot" murderer to the aghast bus passengers, much like a cat presents a dead bird or mouse to its disgusted owners.
You know, upon further reflection and after a really long Monday at the office, this story and its gory denounment isn't sounding so weird after all. Time for some self-medication...but I promise I'll be back, hopefully sans heads on a platter!
9.22.2008
8.26.2008
The sweet smell of hypocrisy
You'd think that a literary journal touting itself as the nation's leading poetry magazine would invest in some proofreaders, particularly when urging potential submitters to prepare their work carefully.
You would be very, very wrong. To wit: check the last line in the first paragraph under "how soon can I expect to hear...?" below.
I would love to have a timely response "insured". What, precisely, would be paid to me if a timely result was not delivered? Hmmmmm the legal possibilities are fascinating, truly.
You would be very, very wrong. To wit: check the last line in the first paragraph under "how soon can I expect to hear...?" below.
I would love to have a timely response "insured". What, precisely, would be paid to me if a timely result was not delivered? Hmmmmm the legal possibilities are fascinating, truly.
7.23.2008
Bear-y disturbing news from ze Motherland
Yet another update from the Motherland: visit Russia and you will get eaten by humongous bears. This is precisely what happened to two very unlucky mine workers in Kamchatka, a region in Russia's far east. The news release begins with this highly disturbing sentence: "A pack of enormous bears searching for food killed and ate two men." Yummy! Vkusno! The poor gigantic bears were tired of borscht, apparently. (I don't blame them. That stuff sucks.)
This brings back many memories of hanging out by the Winter Palace only to see some joker walk by with a bear on a leash. I would always think.....not such a good idea. And now, voila! Apparently exercising some good judgment for once, the local men refuse to go to work at the mines now for fear that they too will be devoured by the pack of 30+ hungry bears. Needless to say, this puts the kibbosh once and for all on my husband's plans to go hunting for bear in Siberia with some of his friends.
What disturbs me even more, though, is how this story relates to the Minnesota Zoo's latest creation, which the imported husband and I went to visit just a week ago. Russia's Grizzly Coast - yes, and now to truly experience life in Kamchatka, one must step through the cage and be devoured by a gigantic bear. Prekrasno!
This brings back many memories of hanging out by the Winter Palace only to see some joker walk by with a bear on a leash. I would always think.....not such a good idea. And now, voila! Apparently exercising some good judgment for once, the local men refuse to go to work at the mines now for fear that they too will be devoured by the pack of 30+ hungry bears. Needless to say, this puts the kibbosh once and for all on my husband's plans to go hunting for bear in Siberia with some of his friends.
What disturbs me even more, though, is how this story relates to the Minnesota Zoo's latest creation, which the imported husband and I went to visit just a week ago. Russia's Grizzly Coast - yes, and now to truly experience life in Kamchatka, one must step through the cage and be devoured by a gigantic bear. Prekrasno!
7.16.2008
To catch a predator
OMG. There's irony and then there's.....this. Today's reigning fucktard deserves WTH excoriation for the following act of idiocy: 33 year old Daniel Allen Everett of Clarkston, Michigan solicited a 14 year old girl for sex on the internet. That's creepy and wrong and, in itself, deserving of public shaming (although sadly such things happen too frequently to merit daily WTH shout-outs).
What really takes this debacle to the next level of fucked up is his choice of attire for the illicit rendezvous: a t-shirt bearing the words "World's Greatest Dad." The court is still trying to determine as of press time whether or not this scumbag has kids. I pray to the gods I don't believe in that he doesn't, but honestly....I wouldn't be surprised. Disgusted, but not one whit surprised.
What really takes this debacle to the next level of fucked up is his choice of attire for the illicit rendezvous: a t-shirt bearing the words "World's Greatest Dad." The court is still trying to determine as of press time whether or not this scumbag has kids. I pray to the gods I don't believe in that he doesn't, but honestly....I wouldn't be surprised. Disgusted, but not one whit surprised.
7.11.2008
You've got me all caught up inside....literally
Duuuuuuuuuuuuude....it's just way too easy to find WTH fodder in ze Motherland! Today, in my beloved former city of residence, St. Petersburg, a woman killed her husband by smashing him up inside a fold-out couch.
The couple was having an argument because the husband (in traditional klassno Russian man style) was drunk on the couch in his underwear and refused to move. So the wifey gets angry, kicks the couch, and "accidentally" trips the lever that causes the couch to retract. Ooops. Then she leaves for a couple of hours and returns to find....a folded up couch and no husband. But just like a Russian stacking doll, the husband is inside the couch - very much dead!! In the least surprising part of the story, reports say that the police are now investigating.
The couple was having an argument because the husband (in traditional klassno Russian man style) was drunk on the couch in his underwear and refused to move. So the wifey gets angry, kicks the couch, and "accidentally" trips the lever that causes the couch to retract. Ooops. Then she leaves for a couple of hours and returns to find....a folded up couch and no husband. But just like a Russian stacking doll, the husband is inside the couch - very much dead!! In the least surprising part of the story, reports say that the police are now investigating.
7.10.2008
Cover your belly buttons in the presence of heads of state
As a writer, I'm often told "write about what you know," so here we go - another post regarding bizarre-o life in Russia. In this case, a picture is worth a thousand words. The pic is from summer 2006 (July, if I recall correctly...the image is seared into my mind forever). Vladimir Vladimirovich was hangin' out at the Kremlin when, for no explicable reason, he decided to play nicey with some Russian citizens paying a visit to their nation's capital.
And....he expresses his affection by pulling up a little boy's shirt and kissing his belly button. I'm not saying anything but...that's just kind of.....weird.
And....he expresses his affection by pulling up a little boy's shirt and kissing his belly button. I'm not saying anything but...that's just kind of.....weird.
7.07.2008
The Bear & the Boor
Well this is a backhanded compliment if ever I heard one. Our soon-to-be ex-President Dubya was just in Japan for a G-8 meeting, the first with new Russian "President" Dmitri Medvedev in attendance. Dima & Dubya had time for a little heart to heart, after which America's Fearless Leader praised Medvedev as being - and I quote - "a smart guy who understands the issues very well."
Coming from Bush, I'm not sure intellectual praise is a compliment. The man can't think his way out of a wet paper bag. Dubya continues - "I'm not going to sit here and psychoanalyze the man." [Oh really? That's a shame. I'm sure Mitya would have loooooved to lie on a couch and tell you about his childhood!] "But I will tell you that he's very comfortable, very confident, and I believe that when he tells me something, he means it." [Oh-kaaaayyyyyy Candide. I too believe that when people tell me something, they always mean it. I also believe in the Tooth Fairy!]
The hilarious part, of course, is that Bush could have saved himself the trouble and directed his (admittedly ironic) praise toward Russia's Prime Minister, where it rightfully belongs. Mr. Putin is still running the show - Medvedev knows it, everyone knows it but Bush. Hell, the man won't even take down his presidential portrait from his own office, or relinquish the presidential pen or chair for Kremlin cabinet meetings! I'm sure Vladimir Vladimirovich was having a good laugh over Bush's unfortunate praise. Poor Dmitri, however, just looks uncomfortable as all hell.
Coming from Bush, I'm not sure intellectual praise is a compliment. The man can't think his way out of a wet paper bag. Dubya continues - "I'm not going to sit here and psychoanalyze the man." [Oh really? That's a shame. I'm sure Mitya would have loooooved to lie on a couch and tell you about his childhood!] "But I will tell you that he's very comfortable, very confident, and I believe that when he tells me something, he means it." [Oh-kaaaayyyyyy Candide. I too believe that when people tell me something, they always mean it. I also believe in the Tooth Fairy!]
The hilarious part, of course, is that Bush could have saved himself the trouble and directed his (admittedly ironic) praise toward Russia's Prime Minister, where it rightfully belongs. Mr. Putin is still running the show - Medvedev knows it, everyone knows it but Bush. Hell, the man won't even take down his presidential portrait from his own office, or relinquish the presidential pen or chair for Kremlin cabinet meetings! I'm sure Vladimir Vladimirovich was having a good laugh over Bush's unfortunate praise. Poor Dmitri, however, just looks uncomfortable as all hell.
6.30.2008
Viva Espana!
Confirming a long held suspicion of mine.....in Spain (and in pretty much every other country besides the United States, I can confidently wager), soccer is more important than sex.
Lest you think I kid, ponder this. A perennial crowd pleaser, the Erotic Film Festival of Barcelona usually draws crowds of over 50,000 to mingle with porn stars, strippers, and sex industry superstars and screen the latest flicks. But not this year. Spain's dazzling success in the Eur0 Cup 2008 (led by David Villa and the delicious El Nino) meant that Spaniards across the nation were glued to their tv sets - not for adult films, however, but for football matches.
Many Spanish wives are no doubt crying. "Football is one of the few things that can compete with sex," laments festival organizer Juli Simon. Given the stunning good looks of certain members of the Spanish team, however, one wishes that perhaps a compromise between the two activities could be reached....
Sssh, don't tell my husband. Oh, wait, he's got the game on! Nevermind.
Lest you think I kid, ponder this. A perennial crowd pleaser, the Erotic Film Festival of Barcelona usually draws crowds of over 50,000 to mingle with porn stars, strippers, and sex industry superstars and screen the latest flicks. But not this year. Spain's dazzling success in the Eur0 Cup 2008 (led by David Villa and the delicious El Nino) meant that Spaniards across the nation were glued to their tv sets - not for adult films, however, but for football matches.
Many Spanish wives are no doubt crying. "Football is one of the few things that can compete with sex," laments festival organizer Juli Simon. Given the stunning good looks of certain members of the Spanish team, however, one wishes that perhaps a compromise between the two activities could be reached....
Sssh, don't tell my husband. Oh, wait, he's got the game on! Nevermind.
6.26.2008
Word choice....it matters.
As I wait with bated breath to see the outcome of the Russia vs. Spain Euro Cup semifinals (my money - and my heart - are on Arshavin, Pavlyuchenko, & co......of course!), I have to share this little gem with you, courtesy of Wonkette.
Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. (Read the sashes if you're curious.)
But don't get the wrong idea here. The Faggot Family, as they're actually called, are really just fanatics of a traditional British culinary dish. The unfortunately named food is made from pig liver and other pork products (sounds mmm-mmmm delicious, no?) and dates back to the Middle Ages as a staple of English cooking.
You know it's going to be a good news article when the opening photo caption reads, "The Doody family hopes to raise the profile of faggots." If you are interested in learning more, you can even go out to your local bookseller and purchase the Good Faggot Guide.
This incredibly eager family has the following to say on the topic: "The great British faggot is full of flavor and a great belly warmer." Oooo-kay. I am trying to bite back a smart comment about Elton John. Perhaps most bizarrely of all, the Doody clan actually competed for the title of Faggot Family, undergoing a series of quizzes, mock commercials, and - most disturbingly - role plays.
On a timely, and perhaps topical note.....a little soccer photo to commemorate today's game:
Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. (Read the sashes if you're curious.)
But don't get the wrong idea here. The Faggot Family, as they're actually called, are really just fanatics of a traditional British culinary dish. The unfortunately named food is made from pig liver and other pork products (sounds mmm-mmmm delicious, no?) and dates back to the Middle Ages as a staple of English cooking.
You know it's going to be a good news article when the opening photo caption reads, "The Doody family hopes to raise the profile of faggots." If you are interested in learning more, you can even go out to your local bookseller and purchase the Good Faggot Guide.
This incredibly eager family has the following to say on the topic: "The great British faggot is full of flavor and a great belly warmer." Oooo-kay. I am trying to bite back a smart comment about Elton John. Perhaps most bizarrely of all, the Doody clan actually competed for the title of Faggot Family, undergoing a series of quizzes, mock commercials, and - most disturbingly - role plays.
On a timely, and perhaps topical note.....a little soccer photo to commemorate today's game:
6.20.2008
I'm sexy, I'm cute, I'm pregnant now to boot!!
An equally-minded friend (whose sense of empathy got shot off in the war, in other words) alerted me to this debacle of epic proportions. Granted, teenagers make lots of bad decisions. When I look back at some of the people I dated (and some of the styles I wore...), it makes me long for a stiff shot of brain bleach. But this goes well beyond the normal realm of teenage idiocy and straight into what the hella goldmine territory.
17 students at Gloucester High School in Massachusetts are pregnant. None is older than sixteen. That isn't the shocking part, though. [A sad commentary on the situation in and of itself.] It seems that these ninnies, far from being uneducated about the details of safe sex and contraceptives, actually made a pact together to get pregnant and raise their babies en masse.
Principal Joseph Sullivan says it "isn't all that shocking." With all due respect, Joe....what kind of crack are you smoking?!? Isn't shocking?! What ever happened to Truth or Dare? Spin the Bottle? Jesus H. Christ. Having a baby isn't like buying a Chia Pet! Our education system has failed these girls. Their families have failed these girls. Our government, which loves to spout its abstinence only drivel, has failed these girls. But you know what? These ignoramuses deserve their fair share of the blame brownie too. How fucking idiotic can you be? A pact to get pregnant at the ripe ol' age of 16, or 15, or 14?! The rationale? "They're so excited to finally have someone to love them unconditionally."
Get a therapist. Get some self esteem. Get a goldfish (upon further thought, I don't think these girls would be intelligent enough to care for one, so scratch that). Do NOT get pregnant. The kicker? Joe, the high school's fearless leader, comments on the parentage of one of the babies: "We found out one of the fathers is a 24-year-old homeless guy." Well isn't that precious??
17 students at Gloucester High School in Massachusetts are pregnant. None is older than sixteen. That isn't the shocking part, though. [A sad commentary on the situation in and of itself.] It seems that these ninnies, far from being uneducated about the details of safe sex and contraceptives, actually made a pact together to get pregnant and raise their babies en masse.
Principal Joseph Sullivan says it "isn't all that shocking." With all due respect, Joe....what kind of crack are you smoking?!? Isn't shocking?! What ever happened to Truth or Dare? Spin the Bottle? Jesus H. Christ. Having a baby isn't like buying a Chia Pet! Our education system has failed these girls. Their families have failed these girls. Our government, which loves to spout its abstinence only drivel, has failed these girls. But you know what? These ignoramuses deserve their fair share of the blame brownie too. How fucking idiotic can you be? A pact to get pregnant at the ripe ol' age of 16, or 15, or 14?! The rationale? "They're so excited to finally have someone to love them unconditionally."
Get a therapist. Get some self esteem. Get a goldfish (upon further thought, I don't think these girls would be intelligent enough to care for one, so scratch that). Do NOT get pregnant. The kicker? Joe, the high school's fearless leader, comments on the parentage of one of the babies: "We found out one of the fathers is a 24-year-old homeless guy." Well isn't that precious??
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