Hate Mail, Vol. I

Now we're going to turn to a topic near & dear to my heart - hate mail that I've received over the years. I seem to inspire a strong reaction in people, one way or the other. Kind of like curry powder or modern art, people seem to have strong opinions about me - love me or hate me, but ambivalence is rare. This topic is particularly salient to me today in light of the scrap I'm currently in at my condo building, aka Yuppie Central. I've been working tirelessly for the Obama campaign over the past few weeks - which is in part why my posts are not as frequent as they'd normally be - and, like any good supporter, I have a campaign sign on my door and on my balcony. According to some asshole in my building, this is definitely not kosher, and I got a call from property management telling me to take 'em down. After some creative questioning, I learned that signs are technically not allowed - but art projects are, which means my plans for the evening include making a Barack Obama collage and putting it on my door instead, and writing "Obama" on my balcony in Christmas lights. They picked the wrong person to trifle with....but I digress.

My point is that, instead of upsetting me, I quite enjoy hate mail and its ensuing bouts of idiocy. It's good for a laugh pretty much 100% of the time. I came to this conclusion quite early in life - second grade, in fact. There was a girl in my class, Nicole H., that just did not like me. As little bratty girls are wont to do, one day she decided to write me a note telling me exactly what she thought of me.

"Your dum"

This amused me to a great degree, and I wrote back...."if you want to insult me, learn to spell first." To which she replied - "your dumm."

Folks, how can you argue with that!? The irony is on so many levels that I can't even begin to process it.

Anyhow, thus was born my love affair with hate mail. Good rule of thumb: if you want to insult me, be my guest. Try, however, to spell things correctly, follow basic rules of grammar, and generally have eloquent and incisive things to say - or else you will be subject to open ridicule and scorn instead of mere disdain.

Today's example of hate mail followed none of those rules, which is unfortunate for its author but a true joy for me - and, I hope, for all of you. Gentle readers, sit back and enjoy this amazing piece of polemic. If it doesn't move you, I don't know what will. Move you to laughter, that is... [My comments in bold; all typos in the original document are as written.]

Megan L-----
10:48am October 27th

I am upset w/ you because I feel like youre behavior while H----- was here was very selfish.

A small piece of advice: if you are writing an 'insulting' letter to someone that you know is smarter than you, extra caution should be taken to ensure proper grammar and a modicum of intelligence in phrasing. Or maybe, in this case, that's too much to ask....which is why I find the next comment oh-so-amusing...

And I feel like you look down on me and think you are better than me and who wants a friend like that?

Newsflash: I don't just "think" I'm better. I know it.

So, thats why we haven't been speaking. I don't want people in my life who won't truly be there for me, I would rather be alone than have people in my life who don't treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

The erratic punctuation is a special touch. And, wow, the self-empowerment rhetoric is compelling, too. Was it picked up from Oprah? Self-help tapes? Preaching to me about comporting one's self with dignity...I only wish it was being done with irony.

I didnt come and tell you this because I feel like you are very good at manipulating situations, and I don't want to be manipulated by you.

Oops. Too late for that, my friend.

If you could maybe acknowledge that that your behavior in the past has been selfish and disrespectful, and work on curbing that a bit, I might be open to being your friend.

Gee, really? What an honour. If I bow and scrape, will you really do me the favour of letting me back into your life? I am truly humbled.

Let it suffice to say, Milton she ain't, but for someone who wants to be a lawyer someday, you'd think she'd be able to muster up some basic logical reasoning skills...not to mention, you know, grammar, spelling, punctuation, eloquence, et al. I'm glad that those were absent, though, because it sure makes for good snark! And it's especially funny since the individual in question was around for the phrase what the hella's inception....which means it is indeed the perfect rejoinder to such mindless drivel.