The power of Christ compells me

Now, as one might guess, I am not exactly of the religious persuasion. Nonetheless, I generally respect other people's right to believe as they wish, so long as they don't try to force their faith on me or do lunatic things in the name of their God/gods/ancestor spirits/tree demons/et al. Note the caveat. People who misuse their faith will get to, er, bear witness to the full force of my wrath and epic mockery. With that in mind....

Let me introduce to Jack Van Impe Ministries. JVIM is a virtual geyser of WTH material; in fact, they could credibly change their name to WTH Ministries and be none the worse for the wear. They offer their own churches, a tv show (broadcast at midnight on network tv! this stuff is priceless...), a magazine, movies and books, and - best of all - endless hours of amusement. JVIM is run by Dr. Jack van Impe. I am not sure where exactly he earned his doctorate - I suspect an august institution such as Bob Jones "University" - but the good doctor sports his credentials just as handily as his rockin' toupee. Taking a page from God's book (ha! literally!), you be the judge...



Jack is frequently joined by his amazing wife Rexella, who bears a stunning resemblance to a French poodle. She, like any good woman, is better seen than heard, so she rarely comments on scripture - although she does like to lead sing-alongs every then and now, including a memorable singing session between Israeli and Palestinian children that ended in a fighting match.





Dr. Jack and Sexy Rexy have many interesting ideas on religion, which one would probably suspect, given the whole ministries business (and yes, I did say business). They also have lots of thoughts on world news. But it's when they combine the two subjects that things really get to be fun. Some of their finer arguments:

-the European Union is the instrument of Satan
-Kofi Annan is the Antichrist (I wonder if he relinquished the gig after stepping down from the UN Gen-Sec position...)

Here are Dr. Jack's cogent, well-reasoned thoughts on nuclear war:

We will not have an atomic war until the middle part of the tribulation hour and believers have already been with the Lord for 42 months, but we could have some minor things. I say minor, it’s not really minor, but I’m talking about nuclear suitcases – I’m talking about the electromagnetic pulse which can darken America from coast to coast and Iran already has the Shahab 3 missile to create that thing over America in the future. God, help us! So there’s some minor things, but when it comes to atomic warfare, you see Russia says: I’m going to march against Israel when they’re at peace. So there has to be a peace contract when it’s broken after 42 months in Daniel 9:27, then all hell breaks loose on earth with nuclear weaponry.

A personal favourite of mine, given my numerous connections to Russia, here are Dr. J's thoughts on WWIII with the Motherland. Better dead than Red!:

I believe we are in the final windup just before Christ returns to snatch us away in the twinkling of an eye before the world war begins. Now you say, why do you say that? Well, first of all Ezekiel 38 and 39 mentions Gog, Magog, Meshach, Tubal and Rosh as leading the war of the latter years and latter days. This didn’t happen a thousand years ago, it’s the final war, the latter years and latter days. All these cities are now in Russia [WTH editor's note: I have spent plenty of time in Russia and never paid a visit to any city called Gog, Magog, or any such thing...and I suspect Radishchev never swung by any of those locales on his famed journey either] and Putin has gone berserk and he is backing Iran and of course you know as I said already, last weeks program, the American Air Force is training the Saudi Arabians and the United Arab Emirates to combat them – that’s Russia and Iran and they’ll be on the side of the European Union and America and everything is coming to a head right now. I have never seen anything like it. For 50 years I’ve preached the coming war with Russia and now every single sign is in place. Yes, we’re headed for it.

Now, I went to Wharton, but this guy clearly understands the stock market better than I do. In fact, so does Rexella!:

RVI: Let’s look at some headlines here: World Economy in Flux As America Downshifts; again, from the Associated Press: British bank runs into trouble. It’s around the world. From USA Today: U. S. credit crunch ensnares Britain; and then from the McAlvany Intelligence Advisor, The Real Estate Implosion and the Emerging U.S. Recession (or Depression). We are facing some troublesome times I think. All of us recognize it Jack.

JVI: We already are having some real problems. This could be the prelude, the lead-in to the tribulation hour because we don’t know the day and hour, Matthew 24:36, but the big thing happens during the tribulation hour because chapters 6-18 is that 7-year period and chapter 18:10 says: In one hour is thy judgment come. Verse 17 says: In one hour so great riches is come to naught. The rich men are weeping in James 5:1-4 because their gold and silver is cankered and rusted. Then of course in Ezekiel 7:16 it says: …they shall cast their silver into the streets and their gold shall be removed. Their gold and silver shall not be able to save them in the Day of the Lord. That’s the tribulation hour.

Drivers licenses = the Mark of the Beast!:

I read about this National ID Card. Without it you can’t drive a car, you can’t have a bank account, you can’t get a job, you can’t do a lot of things. How does this connect with the Mark of the Beast?
Wayne Womack
Kyle, TX

Well, that is the preparatory thing because it’s not just going to be an ID card when the Antichrist, this world dictator out of the European Union comes to power. But this is the beginning, it’s getting people acclimated to this idea.

Where will it really happen? During the 7 year period of the tribulation after the church is gone so that we will not have to worry about taking the mark. But there will be millions converted (Revelation 7:9 & 14) during that time and they will have to battle this idea.

And it’s found in Revelation 13:16-18 ”And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads: And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name. Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.” We all know what that number is according to rock groups that ridicule it and all the rest. But it’s coming and it’s coming soon.

Ze Rooooskies are coming, and they'll turn us into robots with their electromagnetic/nuclear powers!:

Have you heard about the electromagnetic pulse that Russia is about to send over the United States?
Marjorie DeMunck
Sacramento, CA

I’ve had the article ready for the last four programs but I have had to bump it because we did not have time to deal with it. It’s not just Russia, Russia has it, China has it, and they think that Iran may have it.

And the way it works is that they could be out to sea, 10 miles out and shoot it and if they shot it above Nebraska for instance, and its high up into space, and this atomic weaponry explodes up there it will knock out every electrical system from coast to coast. There will not be a single house in America where they can get light, heat in the winter or air conditioning in the summer. It’s a horrible horrendous thing to think about. And yet, these are the kind of weapons of mass destruction that the world has and I believe that America has it as well.

But just think if it were to happen, and they can get within 10 miles of our shores, that’s is the law, and blow it up, and they use Nebraska as the main point, high in space this could cause what you are worried about, and I’m worried about it too.

OK, I need to stop now. But you get the drift - I could go on all day. Now, I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell (hella?) find Jack inspiring. In fact, he inspired me so much when I was 14 years old that I thought I'd write him a little letter. The fact that the letter dripped with sarcasm didn't seem to phase him, because a few weeks later I got a reply telling me that they wanted to publish my article in their monthly magazine, Perhaps Today. Being the saucy little wench that I was (and still am), I thought I'd send in a highly appropriate photo to accompany the article - me in a short leopard print dress with a black feather boa and an insouciant smirk. In other words, the Whore of Babylon would be proud.

Imagine my surprise when a month later, I get a copy of the magazine...with my letter and photo smack dab in the middle of it! Now, I am a professional writer, but of all the work I've ever published, this is surely the best. "Saving Power: Finding Salvation through Jesus Christ". Wow. Praise Jay-sus, indeed. So, for your reading & viewing pleasure, I humbly present the moving and oh-so-sincere account of my divine transformation...





Now, if only we can find a way to nuke the Russians out of existence, we can sit around and wait for the Rapture - hopefully in leopard-print dresses! If Jesus is indeed the Lord and Savior, somewhere He surely weeps...or maybe he just says, what the hella?