No, really, my girlfriend is a total bitch!

Continuing with the across-the-pond antics, today's WTH moment of brilliance takes us from the frozen tundra of Russia to the United Kingdom. Allegations of discrimination and hate crime abound amid the nation's latest scandal - barring a young couple from public transport based on their choice of clothing and, er, lifestyle. (Ah, public transport rears its ugly head yet again!)

The protagonist of this lovely little tale, Tasha Maltby, 19, is - it's safe to say - a bitch. Her doting fiancee, Dani Graves, 25, is likely to agree. See, Miss Maltby is....how do I put it?...convinced she is of canine origin. "I'm a human pet," she explains. "I generally act animal like and lead a really easy life." For Miss Maltby, this means not leaving the house without her owner/master/fiancee/better half, who proceeds to walk her on a leash. One only hopes that she takes her bathroom breaks far, far away from fire hydrants and the public eye, although I know for a fact that my dog is not so considerate.



She continues to describe the perks of her lifestyle thus: "I don't cook or clean." Stop the presses and sign me up! Er, wait....that's already a decent description of my life. In fact, I too have been called a bitch. But I draw the line at eating out of a dog bowl, or getting my checkups at the vet's office. Indeed, the very fact that Miss Maltby is able to give such an....eloquent....interview begs some questions, beginning with, where did you get Dr. Doolittle's number and can he please come and interpret what my horse is trying to tell me?

Apparently unaware that city laws prohibit domestic animals on public transport, the couple ran into trouble when trying to board a bus last month in West Yorkshire. The bus driver, refusing to deviate from the bus line's stated policy, refused to let the leashed Miss Maltby board the vehicle. "He said, 'We don't let freaks and dogs like you on.'" The affronted young pup continues, "It's definitely discrimination, almost like a hate crime."

Let me see. You are, or profess to be, a dog. Freak is pretty much non-negotiable at this point. So what part of the accusation seems unfair to you? As a good, law-abiding Fido, you must understand why you can't have free run of the bus. You might bite someone, and if your rabies shots aren't up to date, we could have a real Cujo situation on our hands. You might even have fleas - and God forbid what scandal might break out if you decide to mark your territory on poor old Mrs. Baxter's handbag! Clearly someone needs to return to obedience school, stat.

Not one to be, er, barked at, the bus driver was served a witty rejoinder. "I got a bit angry and called him a fascist pig." Bad dog! Although if the driver indeed was a pig, I am sure he takes his duties seriously enough to bar himself from entering the bus, too.

The couple, who lives on welfare - presumably because hiring a dog would violate some sort of animal cruelty law and bring the full wrath of PETA down on the employer's unsuspecting head - says they someday plan to start a family. Leaving aside the obvious genetic difficulties in breeding man to dog (the legend of the loup garrou notwithstanding), I find this a bit hard to fathom. Would the ensuing offspring be puppies, children, or some strange Island of Dr. Moreau hybrid? And, although it's clear that this dynamic duo has little regard for the legal code, I am pretty sure that bestiality is illegal in the UK...yuck, yuck, yuck.

Bark along with me: what the hella?