Why ze Russians lost ze Cold War

There is to this day much speculation among academic types as to why the USSR lost the Cold War. Today, I intend to put that debate to rest, once and for all. In this case, I think a picture is truly worth a thousand words.



But if you hanker for greater understanding, I can help you there. Sergei Akopov. Affectionately known as, alternately, Whackapov, Smackapov, Nu-i-kak-apov, Kalashnakapov, Are-You-on-Crack-apov, etc etc ad nauseum, the revered Dr. Akopov is a History Professor at one of Russia's leading universities. Don't let his resume fool you, though, for Whacky (as he's affectionately known) is more than just a resident historian. Whacky's loves include mysticism, not wearing deodorant, really passe sweaters, and - best of all - composing poetry. Here's the master at work...


For those of you Gentle Readers who don't speak Russian (alas, alas!), let me translate for you one of his finer creations, which surely merits instant WTH legend status.
КИТАЙСКИЙ ЗОНТИК
Я – небольшой китайский зонтик,
Оставленный у водопада
Какой-то розовой принцессой
Спешившей опустить вуаль.
Меня забыли – очень жаль.

И словно бабочка вдоль сада
Теперь зовёт меня ограда
Летящая на крыльях лет.
Я бесконечность. Меня нет. (март 2004)

translation ....

Chinese Umbrella

I am a small Chinese umbrella,
left by the waterfall
by some rose princess
who hurried to lower her veil.
They forgot me - it's too bad.

And like a butterfly along the garden
now the fence is calling me
flying on the wings of years.
I am eternity. I am no more. (March 2004)

...man, Rhianna's got nothing on this, eh, eh, eh...

In addition to being one of Russia's aspiring poets, Dr. Akopov is a trendsetter. Look at the panache of this sweater vest, complete with Titanic logo. Don't let go, Jack!!



He is also renowned with the ladies, receding hairline and eau de Acky (Icky?) notwithstanding. Except from actual text message from Whacky, sent to a fearless and irreverent young woman (...) who invited him out to the bar late one frosty December evening.

"I would join you but my wife is here. But I am with you spiritually."

Really gets my blood pumping, that's for sure.



Hey, he could be on the next episode of The Bachelor. With moves like that, he'll have the ladies at each other's throats during the rose ceremony. Yessir.

So, I hope you will now join me in confidently attesting - it was not Gorby and glasnost' that ended the Cold War, any more than it was Reagan and his "tear down that wall" histrionics. No, ladies and gents, it was our dear friend and WTH alum, that wily agent provocateur, that sounded the death knell for communism as we know it....and managed to look downright James Bond while doing so.